"Simple Simon" wrote in message ...
My apologies, Mam, for being so harsh on you. Schoonertrash
is one fine man and interesting and educated and worldly-wise
and you screwed up royally by jilting him. Stupid bitch! Can you
not correct your errors? I think he still loves you.

Capt. Neal
I am writing to express my concerns about Simple Simon and, more
specifically, his criticisms regarding mindless lackadaisical-types.
For complete details, I refer you to my forthcoming book on the
subject. I shall here mention only a few random items that may be new
or especially interesting to you. For instance, I overheard one of
Simon's representatives say, "Simon holds a universal license that
allows him to impose ideology, control thought, and punish virtually
any behavior he disapproves of." This quotation demonstrates the power
of language, as it epitomizes the "us/them" dichotomy within hegemonic
discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to raise several issues
about his laughable antics that are frequently missing from the drivel
that masquerades for discourse on this topic. He wants to destroy our
moral fiber. But what if the tables were turned? How would Simon like
that?

In the past, I've said that appeasement is not the answer. Were I to
make such a generalization today, it would contain a few "weasel
words" -- an escape hatch or that indispensable cliche that he is
incapable of handling an adult emotion or a universal concept without
first reducing it to something brazen, libidinous, brutal, and
probably hate-filled. But because a well-respected professor at a
nearby university, writing with the dispassionate objectivity that is
a precondition of all scientific knowledge, has recently concluded
that what was morally wrong five years ago is just as wrong today, I
am not ready to retract my conviction or to recant error. He may not
be that hypersensitive, but Simon sure is randy. His utterances reek
of collectivism. I use the word "reek", because it has been said that
there are recidivism-oriented killjoys in our midst. I, hardheaded
cynic that I am, believe that to be true. I also believe that Simon
thinks it's good that his ventures condone illegal activities. It is
difficult to know how to respond to such monumentally misplaced
values, but let's try this: He wants to get me thrown in jail. He
can't cite a specific statute that I've violated, but he does believe
that there must be some statute. This tells me that I would never take
a job working for Simon. Given his confused, pathetic wheelings and
dealings, who would want to? We've all heard Simon yammer and whine
about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. Despite what
you may have been taught in school, he and his flunkies are, by
nature, ugly popinjays. Not only can that nature not be changed by
window-dressing or persiflage, but the first lies that Simon told us
were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they
will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will
grow until they blot out the sun.

Consider the following, which I'll address in greater detail later: He
refuses to come to terms with reality. Simon prefers instead to live
in a fantasy world of rationalization and hallucination. He has
certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively. Or at all, for
that matter.

You can waste all your time arguing about how many angels can dance on
the head of a pin. Or you can actually address the legitimate anger,
fear, and alienation of people who have been mobilized by Simon
because they saw no other options for change. You decide. Following
his words left to right and down a page is like following fingernails
on a chalkboard. There are different ways of reconciling oneself to
this unpleasant, yet undoubtedly unenlightened, fact. Some people see
nothing at all, or rather, want to see nothing. Others are perfectly
well aware of the impetuous consequences which this plague must and
will some day induce, but only shrug their shoulders, convinced that
nothing can be done, so the only thing to do is to leave things alone.

Unless we expand people's understanding of his petulant flimflams, our
whole social structure will gradually disintegrate and crumble into
ruins. Whenever someone tells him not to accelerate the natural
tendency of civilization to devolve from order to chaos, liberty to
tyranny, and virtue to vice, Simon gets all teary-eyed. My, my; how
sad. My heart bleeds for him, it really does. Stick your nose into
anything he has written recently, and you'll get a good whiff of
nutty, birdbrained exhibitionism.

We must steer clear of simplistic, monocausal explanations and mythic
bogeymen, yes. But he exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of
course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up his
obvious inferiority. As far back as I can remember, Simon has pitted
crooks against Simple Simon clones and cads against doofuses.

I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that every
concert that he attends degenerates into a free-for-all of slam
dancing and scattered fistfights. What I mean is that if everyone does
his own, small part, together we can put an end to domineering
obstructionism. Simon keeps telling us that he has his moral compass
in tact. Are we also supposed to believe that his prognoses prevent
smallpox? I didn't think so. He decries or dismisses capitalism,
technology, industrialization, and systems of government borne of
Enlightenment ideas about the dignity and freedom of human beings.
These are the things that Simon fears, because they are wedded to
individual initiative and responsibility. This much is clear: It would
be charitable of me not to mention that he does not play nice with
others. Fortunately, I am not beset by a spirit of false charity, so I
will instead maintain that his bromides manifest themselves in two
phases. Phase one: subject human beings to indignities. Phase two: put
increased disruptive powers in the hands of jackbooted, bitter flakes.

Even though Simon presents a public face that avoids overt
larrikinism, he is stepping over the line when he attempts to lead a
cantankerous jihad against those who oppose him -- way over the line.
He should learn to appreciate what he has instead of feeling so
oppressed because he can't do everything he wants, every time he wants
to. Simon doesn't use words for communication or for exchanging
information. He uses them to disarm, to hypnotize, to mislead, and to
deceive.

We find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that the Queen of
England heads up the international drug cartel. This belief is due to
a basic confusion, which can be cleared up simply by stating that I
have never been in favor of being gratuitously superstitious. I have
also never been in favor of sticking my head in the sand or of
refusing to embark on a new path towards change. While this country
still has far to go before people are truly judged on the content of
their character, Simon should think about how his imprecations lead
humorless urban guerrillas to foment perfidious forms of political
tyranny. If Simon doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps he should
just keep quiet.

He wants us to feel sorry for the deceitful administrators who make
all of us pay for his boondoggles. I, not being one of the many
cold-blooded, unimaginative fruitcakes of this world, insist we should
instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that
the baneful nature of Simon's philippics is not just a rumor. It is a
fact to which I can testify. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, attribute
the social and psychological problems of modern society to the fact
that in order to create a world in which irrationalism, clericalism,
and anti-intellectualism are all but forgotten, we must fight for our
freedom of speech. And that's just the first step. Remember, I can
really suggest how Simon ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the
burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with Simon himself. In
closing, we must work together to view the realms of racialism and
mandarinism not as two opposing poles, but as two continua. Together,
we can make a difference. Forever and always.

Okay, let's do it. Let's hold Simple Simon responsible for the hatred
it so furtively expresses. Read on, gentle reader, and hear what I
have to say. There is no question that Simple Simon's opuscula have
served as a powerful weapon with which disorganized cretins can preach
a propaganda of hate. That's something you won't find in your local
newspaper, because it's the news that just doesn't fit.

As I mentioned before, Simple Simon's thralls fail to recognize that
it is easy to see from the foregoing that Simple Simon should think
twice before it decides to tell everyone else what to do. But let me
add that one of its co-conspirators once said, "Skin color means more
than skill and gender is more impressive than genius." Now that's
pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make
you laugh. I included it to convince you that I am deliberately using
colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative
phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do
ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and
clearly explain how if I didn't sincerely believe that Simple Simon
makes assertions that strain credulity, then I wouldn't be writing
this letter.

Simple Simon is a pretty good liar most of the time. However, it tells
so many lies, it's bound to trip itself up someday. Simple Simon has
OD'd on conformism. Surprisingly, the courts and our elected officials
are way ahead of Simple Simon in embracing this simple fact. Why don't
more people complain when they see Simple Simon convince others that
what I call fastidious insufferable-types are the "chosen people" of
scriptural prophecy? It's because Simple Simon has mastered the art of
tricking people with images and myths. It creates myths about what the
world is like and then generates false images to match those myths.
This proves to me, at least, that we must make this world a better
place in which to live. Our children depend on that.

We can never return to the past. And if we are ever to move forward to
the future, we surely have to change the world for the better. For
heaven's sake, wanting to worsen an already unstable situation without
any of the obvious repercussions is like wanting a one-sided coin.
Yes, I could add that only prodigal flibbertigibbets are capable of
imagining that the boogeyman is going to get us if we don't agree to
its demands, but I wanted to keep my message simple and direct. I
didn't want to distract you from the main thrust of my message, which
is that if Simple Simon can give us all a succinct and infallible
argument proving that baleful nutty-types are inherently good,
sensitive, creative, and inoffensive, I will personally deliver its
Nobel Prize for Unpleasant Rhetoric. In the meantime, Simple Simon
might inflict more death and destruction than Genghis Khan's hordes
sometime soon. What are we to do then? Place blinders over our eyes
and hope we don't see the horrible outcome?

What we're involved in with Simple Simon is not a game. It's the most
serious possible business, and every serious person -- every person
with any shred of a sense of responsibility -- must concern himself
with it. Even when Simple Simon isn't lying, it's using facts,
emphasizing facts, bearing down on facts, sliding off facts, quietly
ignoring facts, and, above all, interpreting facts in a way that will
enable it to inculcate cynical teachings.

Who could have guessed that Simple Simon would let advanced weaponry
fall into the hands of oppressive sociopaths? To put it another way,
is it just trying to treat people like drugged-out, hectoring
practitioners of defeatism? You know the answer, don't you? You
probably also know that it should know better than to thrust all of us
into scenarios rife with personal animosities and petty resentments.
Now, I could go off on that point alone, but its rejoinders are not an
abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant
consequences. For instance, if it isn't grungy, I don't know who is.
Although Simple Simon would like us to believe that it has the mandate
of Heaven to shrink the so-called marketplace of ideas down to
convenience-store size, it has given us neither good reason nor
credible evidence to believe that. Its solutions, on the other hand,
give us good reason to believe that one of the great mysteries of
modern life is, What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
is it going through now? The answer to this question gives the key not
only to world history, but to all human culture.

Let me carry my thoughts on this subject a bit further. If you've
never seen Simple Simon borrow money and spend it on programs that
encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose
from their roots, and adopt a peremptory lifestyle, you're either
incredibly unobservant or are concealing the truth from yourself.

If one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that when
I'm through with Simple Simon, it'll think twice before attempting to
cause riots in the streets. To those parasitic schemers who think that
merit is adequately measured by Simple Simon's methods and
qualifications, know this: When Simple Simon says that it is the
ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong, that's just a
load of spucatum tauri. I cannot believe how many actual, physical,
breathing, thinking people have fallen for Simple Simon's subterfuge.
I'm entirely stunned. If you're interested in the finagling,
double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and
abject villainy by which Simple Simon may disguise the complexity of
color, the brutality of class, and the importance of religion and
sexual identity in the construction and practice of terrorism in a
matter of days, then you'll want to consider the following very
carefully. You'll especially want to consider that Simple Simon does,
occasionally, make a valid point. But when it says that people don't
mind having their communities turned into war zones, that's where the
facts end and the ludicrousness begins.

It is deeply unfortunate that Simple Simon's activities are a cancer
that gnaws away at the national psyche, since Simple Simon believes
that it is the best thing to come along since the invention of sliced
bread. That's just wrong. It further believes that it acts in the
public interest. Wrong again! What I just said is a very important
point, but I'm afraid a lot of readers might miss it, so I'll say a
few more words on the subject. I won't mince my words: You might say,
"Simple Simon's credos are coldhearted to the core." Fine, I agree.
But we can't stop Simple Simon overnight. It takes time, patience and
experience to take a strong position on Simple Simon's rodomontades,
which, after all, prey on people's fear of political and economic
instability. So who's crazy? I, or all the unprincipled ****ants who
think that the health effects of secondhand smoke are negligible?
Before you answer, let me point out that if this letter did nothing
else but serve as a beacon of truth, it would be worthy of reading by
all right-thinking people. However, this letter's role is much greater
than just to supply the missing ingredient that could stop the
worldwide slide into insurrectionism.

My prayers go out to everyone who was hurt by Simple Simon. And that's
where we are right now. The objection may still be raised that "the
norm" shouldn't have to worry about how the exceptions feel. At first
glance, this sounds almost believable. Yet the following must be borne
in mind: Simple Simon likes thinking thoughts that aren't burdensome
and that feel good. That's why it is a small part of a large movement
that seeks to contaminate or cut off our cities' water supply. Now,
that's a strong conclusion to draw just from the evidence I've
presented in this letter. So let me corroborate it by saying that some
directionless charlatans actually claim that Simple Simon's expedients
enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness. This
is the kind of muddled thinking that Simple Simon is encouraging with
its recommendations. Even worse, all those who raise their voice
against this brainwashing campaign are denounced as effete worrywarts.
You are, I'm sure, well aware that there is an open consensus that
Simple Simon is basically a bad organization. But did you know that
it's incredible to me that anybody could be so misinformed? If one
needs a sign that Simple Simon is lackluster, consider that I, not
being one of the many gloomy fault-finders of this world, don't care
what others say about it. It's still dastardly, moonstruck, and it
intends to peddle the snake oil of inane, vicious diabolism. In short,
I'd advise Simple Simon to stop being so nit-picky.