FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: November 14th 2005 Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. And don't be surprised if our
Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our Managing Director will make a special announcement at that time! Merry
Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 15, 2005 Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November..?? 2005 Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only";
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Help, Somebody!!!!!!!
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
================================================== ===========
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: I Forget. Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take
it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
rest-rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing will be allowed. We
will have booster seats forshort people. Low-fat food will be available
for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people
with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert
for Diabetics, - I am sorry the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

================================================== ===========
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: Who cares... The Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it and you'll get your fun salad bar, including organic
tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 18, 2005
Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays