Bush Issues "Thankfulness List"
Pre-Thanksgiving Radio Address

In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White
House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him
in giving thanks for the following things:

“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as
these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.

“Let’s be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it
is from China.

“Let’s be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and
maybe someday we will, too.

“Let’s be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually
paid full price for it.

“Let’s be grateful that I didn’t take out a subprime mortgage on the
White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.

“Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven’t fallen into the hands of
the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O’Donnell.

“Let’s be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s writers are on
strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.

“Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling,
they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.

“Let’s be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video,
because that made him look really gay.

“Let's be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get
through those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about
the economy.

“Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say
about the war in Iraq until after they’re retired.

“Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can
go on summer vacation again.

“And finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though
Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m still a lock for the Nobel War
Prize.”

Andy Borowitz