On 2/10/2012 9:47 AM, X ` Man wrote:
On 2/10/12 9:40 AM, Happy John wrote:
...used for boating projects and other assorted foolishness. For those
who've never used shop tools,
the following should provide some good information. I think I've been
there and done that for every
tool mentioned.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could
get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a
bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall
integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into
smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to
disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also
be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining
rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit. It is especially
valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or
index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that
you will need.


Now this is odd. I have had many of these experiences, and I haven't had
the benefit of your military engineer training. I do do one thing right,
though...I never use a wire wheel without goggles.


I believe you.

--
O M G