Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz

Joe's view of the world:

YOU AIN'T FROM TEXAS IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his
own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on
an onramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizab
eth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary
Alice, etc.)

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

31. You can do your laundry without quarters.

32. None of your fur coats are homemade.


OzOne wrote in message ...
On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
scribbled thusly:

Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz


Joe.


Oz1...of the 3 twins.

I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you.

"Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net...
Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz


The Bull and The Blonde

Two Texas sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying
a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch." "I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word "Comfortable".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it slowly. "com-for-da-bull".

Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig?


A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.



OzOne wrote in message ...
On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
scribbled thusly:

Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz


Joe.


Oz1...of the 3 twins.

I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you.

"Bob Crantz" wrote in message k.net...
Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz

Here's one that might give you pause. It indicates that liberals might not
have to burn forever on the lava lakes.

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on
the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing
baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to
keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig
feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."
The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm
back. Now what was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,
"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out
the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
wrote this crap:

Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz


Do you know how to tell which Texan has the smallest penis?

The one with the largest belt buckle.







Pathetic Earthlings! No one can save you now!

On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:53:14 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
wrote this crap:

Joe's view of the world:

YOU AIN'T FROM TEXAS IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!


You never kept worms in your fridge.





Pathetic Earthlings! No one can save you now!

Pretty funny from a guy who lives where everyone drives around in
full-sized Cadillacs with non-cancelling turn signals and self-riding
brakes.

Someone who can manage 30 bingo cards but is confused by 1 punch card.

And I hear your lottery gives you 6 chances to pick one number between
0 and 9

Joe

Was *that* supposed to be funny?

LP


"Bob Crantz" wrote in message
k.net...
Q. How do you know which one is the JOE on the offshore oil rig?


A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.



OzOne wrote in message
...
On Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:46:10 GMT, "Bob Crantz"
scribbled thusly:

Post them if you got them!

Amen!

Bob Crantz


Joe.


Oz1...of the 3 twins.

I welcome you to crackerbox palace,We've been expecting you.

"Horvath" wrote in message

You never kept worms in your fridge.

Hell, we do that up here in Michigan.

Max