Why Cats are Better than Men

1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at mid-night it doesn't wake you up by smashing into
every item of furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.

13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

16. Better chance of training a cat.

17. Cats are cute.

18. A cat is never late for dinner.

19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.

21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

22. Cats treat your mom with respect.

23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

24. It feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.

25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.

26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p

28. Cats actually think with their heads.

29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.





"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

Why beer is better than Women
Why beer is better than Men
Why a motorcycle is better than Women
Why a cucumber is better than Men
I am not the author of these and would like to credit the author of this if
he or she can be found. There are two collections here, the first one is why
beer is better than women and the second one is why beer is better then men.


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Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

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1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
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2. Beer stains wash out.
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3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
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4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play
baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
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5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
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6. Beer is never late.
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7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
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8. Hangovers go away.
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9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
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10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
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11. Beer never has a headache.
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12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
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13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your
breath.
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14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
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15. A beer always goes down easy.
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16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
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17. You can share a beer with your friends.
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18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
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19. Beer is always wet.
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20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
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21. You can have a beer in public.
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22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
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23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
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24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
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25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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26. Good beer costs less than good women.
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27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
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28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
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29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
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30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at
halftime.
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31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother,
your ex-wife or her therapist.
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32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
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32. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get
involved with lawyers.
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32. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
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32. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other
beers on a picnic.
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32. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you
doing?"
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32. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
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32. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
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32. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
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32. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a
drive-in movie.
Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men

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1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
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2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
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3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
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4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
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5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
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6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
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7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
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8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
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9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
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10. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
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11. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
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12. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
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13. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
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14. A beer doesn't sulk.
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15. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
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16. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
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17. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
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18. A beer doesn't snore.
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19. A beer can't interrupt.
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20. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
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21. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
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22. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
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23. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
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24. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
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25. A good beer is easy to find.
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26. A beer can't pout.
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27. A beer doesn't have a mother.
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28. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
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29. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
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30. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
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31. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
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32. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
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33. A beer doesn't want children.
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34. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
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35. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
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36. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
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37. Hangovers go away.
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38. A beer tastes good.
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39. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
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40. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
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41. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
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42. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
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43. A beer never needs a shave.
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44. You don't have to let a beer win.
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45. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
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46. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep
with a beer too.
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47. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
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48. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
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49. A beer will never drink the last beer.
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50. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
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51. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
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52. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
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53. A beer is never temperamental.
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54. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
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55. A cold beer is a good beer.
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56. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
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57. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
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58. A beer won't steal the covers.
Reasons why a Motorcycle is better than women
1. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize
before you can ride it again.
2. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better
parts.
3. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
4. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to
correct it.
5. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
6. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
7. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
8. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
9. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
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----10. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
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----11. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have
ridden.
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----12. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
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----13. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
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----14. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
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----15. Motorcycles don't have parents.
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----16. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
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----17. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you
buy
Motorcycle magazines.
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----18. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
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----19. Motorcycles last longer.
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----20. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
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----21. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
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----22. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for
them,
you don't get them.
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----23. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
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----24. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
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----25. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
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----26. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
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----27. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get
sore.
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----28. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
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----29. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
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----30. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
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----31. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your
Motorcycle.
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----32. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a
motorcyclist and
that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
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----33. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your
Motorcycle.
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----34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
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----35. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when
the old
one is _really_ worn.
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----36. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other
Motorcycles.
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----37. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after
you dump
it.
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men.
1. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away.
2. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
3. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your
family.
4. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
5. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
6. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
7. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray.
8. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
9. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
10. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
11. A cucumber never leaves the toilet seat up.
12. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
13. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
14. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
15. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
16. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers
in the refrigerator.
17. A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?".
18. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for promotion.
19. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school.
20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
21. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
22. A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors.
23. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
24. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds.
25. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
26. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
27. A cucumber won't give it up for Lent.
28. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
29. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish,
or orthodox vegetarian.
30. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
31. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
32. A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.
33. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
34. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother
comes over.
35. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
36. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
37. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
38. A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy.".
39. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
40. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
41. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
42. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
43. A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
44. A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party.
45. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
46. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during
the flu season.
47. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
48. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.
49. Cucumbers are very easy to pick up.
50. Cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty,
or swinging with fruits and nuts.
51. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
52. Cucumbers aren't jealous.
53. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
54. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
55. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the
wet spot.
56. Cucumbers can't count to "10".
57. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
58. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
59. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
60. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
61. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
62. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
63. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest,
or drool on the pillow.
64. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
65. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
66. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
67. Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair.
68. Cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car.
69. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
70. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis.
71. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation.
72. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
73. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
74. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
75. Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
76. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
78. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
79. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin.
80. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
81. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
82. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
83. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
84. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
85. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
86. No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it
too.
87. No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh
cucumber.
88. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
89. The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
90. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
91. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
92. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
93. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
94. You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
95. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
96. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
97. You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber.
98. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
99. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
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----100. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey."
....
... and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
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----101. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care
of
them when they get sick...
...But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
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----102. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover...
...or speculate about your next.
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----103. With a cucumber you can get a single room...
... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
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----104. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...
...and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
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----105. You can go to movie with a cucumber...
... and see the movie.
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----106. A cucumber will never leave you for...
(a) another woman.
(b) another man.
(c) another cucumber.
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----107. A cucumber never...
(a) snaps your bra.
(b) pinches your butt.
(c) gives you a snuggy.
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----108. A cucumber will never...
(a) contest a divorce.
(b) demand a property settlement.
(c) seek custody of _anything_.
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----109. Afterwards, a cucumber won't...
(a) want to shake hands and be friends.
(b) say, "I'll call you a cab.".
(c) tell you he's not the marrying kind.
(d) tell you he is the marrying kind.
(e) call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist.
(f) take you to confesion.
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----110. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your...
(a) gynecologist.
(b) ski instructors.
(c) tennis instructors.
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----111. Cucumbers won't ask...
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come?
How many times?
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----112. Cucumbers won't make you...
(a) wear kinky clothes.
(b) go to be with your boots on.
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----113. You won't find out later that your cucumber...
(a) is married.
(b) is on penicillin.
(c) likes you, but loves your sister.
(d) likes you, but loves your brother.
(e) trying to screw your sister.
(f) has AIDS.
"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

and I thought women's libbers went out with the eighties.

SV


"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow person
who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to women.

You are single, divorced, seperated...... right.

Apparently not "male" women's libbers!
"Scott Vernon" wrote in message
...
and I thought women's libbers went out with the eighties.

SV


"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow person
who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to women.

You are single, divorced, seperated...... right.

(Sail Bum) wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Why women are better than sailboats ==
I started on this and ran out of steam (sorry)

Sailboats never choose to get their hair done instead of spending time
with you.

Women don't have to have their brightwork varnished

Sailboats never have a curfew.

You don't have to stand watches - you can sleep together.

Sailboats never break a date.

They just break.

Sailboats never have a headache.

They just give them.

Sailboats are always in the mood.

Except when the weather is bad.

Sailboats are appropriately greeted with a whistle.

A woman can be greeted with a whistle by her SO and the response will
be better than that of a sailboat.

Sailboats never care if you arrive with buddies and choose to spend
the evening playing cards.

Women don't care if you spend the evening playing cards as long as you
win money.

Sailboats will always perform for you to the best of their abilities.
You just need to treat them with care and not interfere with what they
were designed to do.

Women are more of a challenge.

Sailboats, like women, are best maneuvered with a light touch.
However, only a sailboat's response is predictable.

Women's responses can be easily predicted if you know them well (as
explained here where you are predicting their responses to certain
situations) but if not, are more interesting because they are
unpredictable.

Sailboats will tolerate some neglect quite well. However, like some
women, sailboats will try to dump you if you are too heavy handed with
them or neglect their basic needs for too long.

Both sailboats and women like to show their superstructures to best
advantage. Sailboats, however, never complain that they have nothing
to wear.

Other sailors however will look down on you if you have blown out
sails and ratty rigging.

Sailboats, like women, can demand that you spend substantial amounts
of money on their upkeep and maintenance. With sailboats, you are
always guaranteed a good ride afterwards.

Women can explain what you need to buy for them so that you don't
spend hours replacing the wrong component of the engine or electrical
system.


Sailboats never need another pair of shoes.

Just a new set of sails which is usually more expensive.

Sailboats don't give you the cold shoulder after you have not called
or visited for a while.

Except that the engine might not start or the rigging might be fouled.

Sailboats always leave it to you to decide if you want to go out in
foul weather.

Women do too - they just will tell you after you get into trouble that
you were crazy.

Sailboats never complain that you don't talk to them.

Women don't complain when you do talk to them.

You never have to bring a sailboat gifts of flowers, chocolates or
jewelry.

Just radar, GPS, autopilot, SSB etc.

You don't need to romance your sailboat before she'll let you spend
the night.

You only have to find a mooring or get your anchor rode in order.

Sailboats never get pregnant.

Sailboats don't give you a child to sail with.

Sailboats never get PMS.

Sailboats don't sail with no wind.

You cannot catch a sexually transmitted disease from spending time
with many different sailboats.

You can however end up buying totally unsuitable boats and spending
way more money than you intended.

With a sailboat you never need to carry protection.

What do you mean never need to carry protection? What do you call an
anchor rode, charts, and all the other stuff that lets you sail
safely?

A sailboat never gets jealous.

A sailboat is cold and unemotional.

You can always tell a sailboat about other sailboats that you have
sailed.

A sailboat won't answer.

A sailboat never compares you to others who have sailed her.

Yes she does. Sailboats sail better for some people than others. You
just have to be very smart to see that.

A sailboat never fakes it.

A sailboat doesn't have to fake it.

A sailboat looks just as appealing the morning after.

Depends on how much you had to drink.

Nobody is offended if you ask to borrow their sailboat for a romantic
evening or weekend.

Why would anyone lend someone a sailboat?
snip

Sailboats always gratify you with their performance when you custom
fit them with the newest fabrics.

So do women.

Sailboats can always be rented to others by the day or by the hour.

After you get all the proper paperwork and spend a lot of money on
advertising.

In wide open spaces, quality rope or lengths of chain are used to
anchor a sailboat. Imagine trying this with a woman.

Women are better when not anchored.

grandma Rosalie

Way to go, G'ma!!!

Rosalie B. wrote:


In wide open spaces, quality rope or lengths of chain are used to
anchor a sailboat. Imagine trying this with a woman.


Women are better when not anchored.

I think that Women are better if anchored with a different kind of
anchor. It is much stronger as it can ride out many storms of many
kinds. Some women like a lot of rode, some a short rode.

Tom
of the Swee****er Sea

You never met my last wife!!!

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
(Sail Bum) wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never complain that you don't talk to them.

Women don't complain when you do talk to them.

wrote:

You never met my last wife!!!

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
.. .
(Sail Bum) wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never complain that you don't talk to them.

Women don't complain when you do talk to them.

Your last wife isn't 'women', she's a specific woman. My point (sort
of) was that you can't generalize to all women from one woman
especially one who is or was a wife.


grandma Rosalie

"Stanley Barthfarkle" wrote in
.com:

Sent by my wife 6 months ago- (html)



APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS


When I was a Navy sailor, wo back in the 60's, we created a very official-
looking US government form aboard USS Everglades (AD-24) called Form 69 -
Application For A Date With A Sailor. It was filled with VERY personal
questions, very funny multiple-choice answers and looked like it came from
the US Government Printing Office. We printed thousands to be left on bars
all over our ports of call.

And, I'm happy to report, IT GOT RESULTS, too!

Larry
(It also had to be filled out in quintriplicate, of course.)

My copies got lost in a fire in the 1970's....dammit.

wrote in
ink.net:

You never met my last wife!!!


Mine either....(c;

(Look for her flying broom!)