WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never choose to get their hair done instead of spending time
with you.

Sailboats never have a curfew.

Sailboats never break a date.

Sailboats never have a headache.

Sailboats are always in the mood.

Sailboats are appropriately greeted with a whistle.

Sailboats never care if you arrive with buddies and choose to spend
the evening playing cards.

Sailboats will always perform for you to the best of their abilities.
You just need to treat them with care and not interfere with what they
were designed to do.

Sailboats, like women, are best maneuvered with a light touch.
However, only a sailboat's response is predictable.

Sailboats will tolerate some neglect quite well. However, like some
women, sailboats will try to dump you if you are too heavy handed with
them or neglect their basic needs for too long.

Both sailboats and women like to show their superstructures to best
advantage. Sailboats, however, never complain that they have nothing
to wear.

Sailboats, like women, can demand that you spend substantial amounts
of money on their upkeep and maintenance. With sailboats, you are
always guaranteed a good ride afterwards.

Sailboats never need another pair of shoes.

Sailboats don't care if you choose to spend the night with another
woman.

Sailboats don't give you the cold shoulder after you have not called
or visited for a while.

Sailboats always leave it to you to decide if you want to go out in
foul weather.

Sailboats never complain that you don't talk to them.

You never have to bring a sailboat gifts of flowers, chocolates or
jewelry.

You don't need to romance your sailboat before she'll let you spend
the night.

Sailboats never get pregnant.

Sailboats never get PMS.

You cannot catch a sexually transmitted disease from spending time
with many different sailboats.

With a sailboat you never need to carry protection.

A sailboat never gets jealous.

You can always tell a sailboat about other sailboats that you have
sailed.

A sailboat never compares you to others who have sailed her.

A sailboat never fakes it.

A sailboat looks just as appealing the morning after.

Nobody is offended if you ask to borrow their sailboat for a romantic
evening or weekend.

One sailboat can simultaneously satisfy the needs of quite a few men
and women.

A fully rigged sailboat can call for several pairs of hands to keep
her satisfied and in proper trim, and nobody thinks poorly of her.

When you buy an electric device to help single-hand a sailboat, nobody
thinks less of you, and the sailboat is not embarrassed when you
demonstrate the actual use of the appliance.

Sailboats never flirt and never play hard to get.

Sailboats respond best if you first wash their painted bottoms.

Sailboats never ask if their stern is too wide or if their rigging is
sagging.

Sailboats never pout if you choose not to spend the night.

Sailboats don't make a scene if you choose to go with a younger model.

Well maintained, gracefully aging sailboats always have hordes of
younger and older men lusting after them.

Sailboats always gratify you with their performance when you custom
fit them with the newest fabrics.

Sailboats can always be rented to others by the day or by the hour.

In wide open spaces, quality rope or lengths of chain are used to
anchor a sailboat. Imagine trying this with a woman.

Before a sailboat changes hands, the current owner encourages all
serious potential prospects to take her for a spin and try her out.

Sailboats respond well if you tie them up for the night.

Thru-hulls are critical to below deck operations. Only with a
sailboat are you encouraged to inspect each thru-hull BEFORE you take
her out.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Sail Bum wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never get pregnant.

Sailboats never get PMS.

You cannot catch a sexually transmitted disease from spending time
with many different sailboats.

With a sailboat you never need to carry protection.

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow person
who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to women.

You are single, divorced, seperated...... right.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !


"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Sail Bum wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never get pregnant.

Sailboats never get PMS.

You cannot catch a sexually transmitted disease from spending time
with many different sailboats.

With a sailboat you never need to carry protection.

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow person
who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to women.

You are single, divorced, seperated...... right.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Shiver Me Timbers wrote:

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow
person who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to
women.

This isn't personal?

--
Good luck and good sailing.
s/v Kerry Deare of Barnegat
http://kerrydeare.home.comcast.net/

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

It'll show up on the internet pretty soon. In the meantime, I'm sure you'll
LOVE this...
_________________________
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able
to support you.

__________________________________________________ _________________



Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

__________________________________________________ _________________



Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.

__________________________________________________ _______________



Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the
sink



__________________________________________________ _________________



How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."



__________________________________________________ _________________



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

__________________________________________________ _________________



I dated this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts:

"I wanna know your name..."



__________________________________________________ _________________



Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to
shoot it.



__________________________________________________ _______________



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

--
Lighten up! Remember, "politically incorrect" is just another term for
censorship. 1st. amendment still applies, well sorta.

Keith
__
Electronics run on smoke. If the smoke gets out they stop working.
"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

do a google search on "cucumber"

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Sent to me by my wife a month ago-

Subject: MARRIAGE

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I
don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you
give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here
or
not."

( SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either,"
and
storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides
to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many
rings,
and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite
of
her
objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His
wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime
you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough
draft
before the masterpiece.






"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Sent by my wife 6 months ago- (html)



APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS



Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:



I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my
life for the following period:











Time of return

Date: Time of departu
NOT to exceed:



Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the
locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting
on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female,
except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my
mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of
alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver
of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted
to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be ****ed off with
me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.


















Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine
Liquor Total

Location: From:
To:

Location: From:
To:

Location: From:
To:





Locations to be visited













Females with whom conversation

is permitted



IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted
above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a
stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be
grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.



I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our
relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules &
regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in
chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit
cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Robbie
Williams concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way
home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in
depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not
to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain
from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to
breed like a (drunken) rabbit.






I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to
my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:












Request is: APPROVED DENIED


This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and
carry at all times.

".........................................

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following
period of time:










Date: Time of departu
Time of return:






Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:









_____________________________________________







APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS



Name of Girlfriend/Fiancée/Partner/Wife:



I'M GOING OUT, O.K.





Signed: (me)........



















"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

The wife sends me that crap all the time...she laughs ever-so-slightly
harder than I do... ;)

Can't find any "better than men" stuff, but she has sent quite a few over
the years.



"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Why Cats are Better than Men

1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at mid-night it doesn't wake you up by smashing into
every item of furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.

13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

16. Better chance of training a cat.

17. Cats are cute.

18. A cat is never late for dinner.

19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.

21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

22. Cats treat your mom with respect.

23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

24. It feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.

25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.

26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p

28. Cats actually think with their heads.

29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.





"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Why beer is better than Women
Why beer is better than Men
Why a motorcycle is better than Women
Why a cucumber is better than Men
I am not the author of these and would like to credit the author of this if
he or she can be found. There are two collections here, the first one is why
beer is better than women and the second one is why beer is better then men.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

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----
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
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2. Beer stains wash out.
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3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
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4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play
baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
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5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
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6. Beer is never late.
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7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
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8. Hangovers go away.
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9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
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10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
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11. Beer never has a headache.
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12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
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----
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your
breath.
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14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
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15. A beer always goes down easy.
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16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
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17. You can share a beer with your friends.
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18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
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19. Beer is always wet.
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20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
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21. You can have a beer in public.
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22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
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23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
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24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
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25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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26. Good beer costs less than good women.
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27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
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28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
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29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
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----
30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at
halftime.
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----
31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother,
your ex-wife or her therapist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
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----
32. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get
involved with lawyers.
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32. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
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----
32. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other
beers on a picnic.
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----
32. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you
doing?"
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----
32. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
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----
32. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
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----
32. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
32. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a
drive-in movie.
Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
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----
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
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----
3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
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4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
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----
5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
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6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
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----
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
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----
9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
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10. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
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----
11. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
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----
12. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
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----
13. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
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14. A beer doesn't sulk.
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15. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
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16. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
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17. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
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18. A beer doesn't snore.
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19. A beer can't interrupt.
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20. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
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21. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
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22. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
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23. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
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24. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
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25. A good beer is easy to find.
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26. A beer can't pout.
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27. A beer doesn't have a mother.
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28. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
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29. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
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30. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
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31. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
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----
32. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
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33. A beer doesn't want children.
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----
34. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
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35. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
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36. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
37. Hangovers go away.
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38. A beer tastes good.
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39. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
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40. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
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41. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
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42. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
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43. A beer never needs a shave.
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44. You don't have to let a beer win.
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45. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
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46. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep
with a beer too.
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47. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
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48. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
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49. A beer will never drink the last beer.
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50. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
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51. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
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52. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
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53. A beer is never temperamental.
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54. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
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55. A cold beer is a good beer.
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56. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
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57. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
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58. A beer won't steal the covers.
Reasons why a Motorcycle is better than women
1. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize
before you can ride it again.
2. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better
parts.
3. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
4. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to
correct it.
5. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
6. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
7. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
8. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
9. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----10. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----11. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have
ridden.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----12. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----13. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----14. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
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----15. Motorcycles don't have parents.
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----16. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----17. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you
buy
Motorcycle magazines.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----18. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----19. Motorcycles last longer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----20. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----21. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----22. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for
them,
you don't get them.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----23. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----24. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----25. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----26. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----27. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get
sore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----28. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----29. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----30. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----31. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your
Motorcycle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----32. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a
motorcyclist and
that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----33. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your
Motorcycle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----35. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when
the old
one is _really_ worn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----36. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other
Motorcycles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----37. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after
you dump
it.
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men
Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men.
1. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away.
2. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
3. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your
family.
4. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
5. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
6. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
7. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray.
8. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
9. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
10. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
11. A cucumber never leaves the toilet seat up.
12. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
13. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
14. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
15. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
16. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers
in the refrigerator.
17. A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?".
18. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for promotion.
19. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school.
20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
21. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
22. A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors.
23. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
24. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds.
25. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
26. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
27. A cucumber won't give it up for Lent.
28. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
29. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish,
or orthodox vegetarian.
30. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
31. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
32. A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.
33. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
34. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother
comes over.
35. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
36. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
37. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
38. A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy.".
39. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
40. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
41. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
42. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
43. A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
44. A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party.
45. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
46. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during
the flu season.
47. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
48. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.
49. Cucumbers are very easy to pick up.
50. Cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty,
or swinging with fruits and nuts.
51. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
52. Cucumbers aren't jealous.
53. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
54. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
55. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the
wet spot.
56. Cucumbers can't count to "10".
57. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
58. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
59. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
60. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
61. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
62. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
63. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest,
or drool on the pillow.
64. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
65. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
66. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
67. Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair.
68. Cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car.
69. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
70. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis.
71. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation.
72. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
73. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
74. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
75. Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
76. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
78. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
79. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin.
80. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
81. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
82. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
83. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
84. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
85. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
86. No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it
too.
87. No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh
cucumber.
88. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
89. The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
90. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
91. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
92. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
93. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
94. You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
95. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
96. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
97. You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber.
98. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
99. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----100. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey."
....
... and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----101. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care
of
them when they get sick...
...But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----102. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover...
...or speculate about your next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----103. With a cucumber you can get a single room...
... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----104. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...
...and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----105. You can go to movie with a cucumber...
... and see the movie.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----106. A cucumber will never leave you for...
(a) another woman.
(b) another man.
(c) another cucumber.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----107. A cucumber never...
(a) snaps your bra.
(b) pinches your butt.
(c) gives you a snuggy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----108. A cucumber will never...
(a) contest a divorce.
(b) demand a property settlement.
(c) seek custody of _anything_.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----109. Afterwards, a cucumber won't...
(a) want to shake hands and be friends.
(b) say, "I'll call you a cab.".
(c) tell you he's not the marrying kind.
(d) tell you he is the marrying kind.
(e) call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist.
(f) take you to confesion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----110. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your...
(a) gynecologist.
(b) ski instructors.
(c) tennis instructors.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----111. Cucumbers won't ask...
Am I the best?
How was it?
Did you come?
How many times?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----112. Cucumbers won't make you...
(a) wear kinky clothes.
(b) go to be with your boots on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----113. You won't find out later that your cucumber...
(a) is married.
(b) is on penicillin.
(c) likes you, but loves your sister.
(d) likes you, but loves your brother.
(e) trying to screw your sister.
(f) has AIDS.
"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote in message
...
Stanley Barthfarkle wrote:

Lighten up, guy....it's a joke. For every "why XYZ's are better than
women"
joke, there is at least one "why XYZ's are better than men" joke.

And, of course, for every usenet post there is someone who just can't
wait
to jump down someone's throat for being politically incorrect.

Viva La Differance !

Well Stan please post the - "why XYZ's are better than men" joke
please and thank you..... I presume you have it handy.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

and I thought women's libbers went out with the eighties.

SV


"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow person
who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to women.

You are single, divorced, seperated...... right.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Apparently not "male" women's libbers!
"Scott Vernon" wrote in message
...
and I thought women's libbers went out with the eighties.

SV


"Shiver Me Timbers" wrote

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Nothing personal sport but you come across as a rather shallow person
who probably has a great deal of difficulty relating to women.

You are single, divorced, seperated...... right.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

Way to go, G'ma!!!

Rosalie B. wrote:


In wide open spaces, quality rope or lengths of chain are used to
anchor a sailboat. Imagine trying this with a woman.


Women are better when not anchored.

I think that Women are better if anchored with a different kind of
anchor. It is much stronger as it can ride out many storms of many
kinds. Some women like a lot of rode, some a short rode.

Tom
of the Swee****er Sea

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

You never met my last wife!!!

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
(Sail Bum) wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never complain that you don't talk to them.

Women don't complain when you do talk to them.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

wrote:

You never met my last wife!!!

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
.. .
(Sail Bum) wrote:

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Sailboats never complain that you don't talk to them.

Women don't complain when you do talk to them.

Your last wife isn't 'women', she's a specific woman. My point (sort
of) was that you can't generalize to all women from one woman
especially one who is or was a wife.


grandma Rosalie

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

"Stanley Barthfarkle" wrote in
.com:

Sent by my wife 6 months ago- (html)



APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS


When I was a Navy sailor, wo back in the 60's, we created a very official-
looking US government form aboard USS Everglades (AD-24) called Form 69 -
Application For A Date With A Sailor. It was filled with VERY personal
questions, very funny multiple-choice answers and looked like it came from
the US Government Printing Office. We printed thousands to be left on bars
all over our ports of call.

And, I'm happy to report, IT GOT RESULTS, too!

Larry
(It also had to be filled out in quintriplicate, of course.)

My copies got lost in a fire in the 1970's....dammit.

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

wrote in
ink.net:

You never met my last wife!!!


Mine either....(c;

(Look for her flying broom!)

WHY SAILBOATS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
 

I saw your application when I was in the Navy, so it was still alive in the
80's!
Maybe a google search..., or contacting a vets organization...
MMC
"Larry W4CSC" wrote in message
...
"Stanley Barthfarkle" wrote in
.com:

Sent by my wife 6 months ago- (html)



APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS


When I was a Navy sailor, wo back in the 60's, we created a very official-
looking US government form aboard USS Everglades (AD-24) called Form 69 -
Application For A Date With A Sailor. It was filled with VERY personal
questions, very funny multiple-choice answers and looked like it came from
the US Government Printing Office. We printed thousands to be left on
bars
all over our ports of call.

And, I'm happy to report, IT GOT RESULTS, too!

Larry
(It also had to be filled out in quintriplicate, of course.)

My copies got lost in a fire in the 1970's....dammit.

Form 69 - Application For A Date With A Sailor
 

Here you are Larry

"Larry W4CSC" wrote in message
...

When I was a Navy sailor, wo back in the 60's, we created a very official-
looking US government form aboard USS Everglades (AD-24) called Form 69 -
Application For A Date With A Sailor. It was filled with VERY personal
questions, very funny multiple-choice answers and looked like it came from
the US Government Printing Office. We printed thousands to be left on
bars
all over our ports of call.


Application for a Date with a Sailor
(please print.)

NAME in full (first)_____________ (Middle)_____________
(Last)_______________

Date of Birth____________________ Age______________

Tel. no.______________Address_________________________

Height___________ Weight____________ Color_Hair__________

Size of stockings_____________ Color_Preference____________

Figure (check one) ___good ____fair _____poor ____hurtin' ____pig
_____please

When intoxicated, what do you do?__________________________

Do you like it?_________ Would you try anything once?________

Twice?_____ Would you with me?______

Do you have a sister?______ Old enough to take your place in case you should
be ill?__________

brothers?______ How many?______ Are they boxers?______

Do you believe in: Kissing?________ Hugging?_______

OTHER (Explain)_________________

Have you ever been kissed on the nose?______

Ears?_____ Eyes?________ Lips?____ Neck?_____ Legs?____

OTHER places? (Explain)____________________________

Do you stay out late?_______ how late?_______

How late will you stay out with me?__________________

Why?________ Do you like beach parties?____________

Weekend parties?____________________

Private parties for two?_______________

Moonlight rides?___________

Do you believe in love at first sight?________

When you meet me, how will you greet me? (check one):

Kiss?____ Hug?____ Laughter?____ Tears?______

Handshake?______ OTHER (Explain)__________

A brief description of your dream man:________

What type of letters would you enjoy getting from me? (Check one):

Newsy?______ Intimate?______ Passionate?_______

Nasty?_______ OTHER (Explain)________________

Do you have a boyfriend?_______ Big?_____

How Big?____ Does he get jealous?_________

How Jealous?_______ Can you handle him?________

How often does he leave town?________________

Does anyone read your mail?__________ Why?_________

Do you have a job?________ What type?____________

When's payday?________ How much?______

Can we live off it?_______ Do you own a car?________

What type?_____ Condition?________ Is it paid for?_______

How big is your father?_________

Does he get mad very easy?______ Does he own a shotgun?_______

Can he shoot straight?_________

Are you angry when kissed on first date?_________

Why or Why not?______ Would you date me?________

What would you like to do on our first date?
__________________________________________________ ______________________


PLACE LIP PRINTS HE





This form you have just filled out does not insure a date with me; it is
only an application. My justifiable reputation will help my judgment in
determining whether or not you are suited for a date with a sailor or
whether or not you are still a little inexperienced yet. No matter what the
outcome, your application will remain in my files and perhaps in the future,
your time will come!!!!!!!!

SIGN HE


I hereby certify that all statements made by me in the form above are
correct. I also understand that there is punishment for perjury or forgery.

__________________________________________

Signed this __(date)___ Day of __(month)___ in the year ___(yr)___

Form 69 - Application For A Date With A Sailor
 

wrote in
ink.net:

Here you are Larry


Special thanks to all who replied. Our form was very similar but much more
Government-looking with all its official-looking numbers, revision numbers,
etc....(c;

Great fun....

Larry