Hi Larry,
Some of this (non gay stuff) is very familiar from my time in the US Navy.
MMC

Things Ordinary Seaman Bloggins learnt in the Canadian Navy.

1. The correct answer to all questions is "I have no excuse P.O."
2. Beards make you look cool.
3. Excessive drinking is penalized.
4. Infrequent drinking is penalized.
5. Rules are what you obey when people are looking.
6. The east coast vs. west coast debate will not be solved till either
the west coast has an earthquake and sinks into the ocean or the east
coast sobers up.
7. Even the French don't like the French.
8. Other people's incompetence is an acceptable topic for everyday
conversation.
9. Really shiny shoes are required for my survival in a combat
situation.
10. Really well ironed pants are required for my survival in a combat
situation.
11. Having the back of my neck well shaved is required for my survival
in a combat situation.
12. Clean underwear is not required. Ever.
13. The unusually large size of the terd in the heads is an acceptable
topic for everyday conversation.
14. Leading Seamen don't out rank ****.
15. Grown adults are not mature enough and for their own protection
need to be told to not run with scissors.
16. Grown adults cannot be trusted to not burn off their testacies with
hot equipment and need to be constantly supervised.
17. Not getting off early enough for an afternoon nap is an acceptable
complaint.
18. All naval traditions are vaguely gay.
19. The following sentence makes perfect sense to a navy man; "The
Master Seaman went to the poop deck to watch the Rear Admiral swallow
the anchor and drink moose milk."
20. Retiring is called "swallowing the anchor."
21. Floors are called decks.
22. Walls are called bulk heads.
23. Toilets are called heads.
24. Desserts are called duffs.
25. Hallways are called flats.
26. A boat can fit on a ship. A ship can not fit on a boat.
27. Don't touch the floor in the showers.
28. Don't touch the walls in the showers.
29. Don't touch the hand railings, anywhere.
30. On Tuesday I will be having meat pie for dinner, seven years from
now.
31. Vegetables are not a food group.
32. Moose milk is a food group.
33. Failure to tie your shoes is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
34. Failure to wear your headdress outdoors is an acceptable reason for
ass-raping.
35. Complaining about the ass-raping is an acceptable reason for
ass-raping.
36. All sailors swear like sailors.
37. The Scanky nature of the woman you have slept with is an acceptable
topic for everyday conversation.
38. The Scanky nature of the woman you are sleeping with is an
acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
39. The Scanky nature of the woman you are trying to sleep with is an
acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
40. The law of diminishing returns does not apply to revenue driven
military operations such as the galley on base.
41. Decreasing quality and increasing prices thereby decreasing the
customer base is an effective way for the galley to make more money.
42. A promotion to the rank of P.O. comes with a fair bit of weight.
Usually about 120 pounds.
43. The word navy is an acronym that stands for Never Again Volunteer
Yourself.
44. You will be told when to volunteer for things.
45. Spending 20k$ on monitoring software to ensure people don't use
government computers to play solitaire during their lunch breaks is an
acceptable use of public funds.
46. Spending 1k$ to purchase technical manuals made within the past 20
years is not an acceptable use of public funds.
47. Spending millions to retrofit a ship and then immediately
decommission it and spend millions more to return it to its original
state so it can be given to a museum for free is an acceptable use of
public funds.
48. Spending one dollar for a replacement pencil is not an acceptable
use of public funds.
49. People who tell you to get your hair cut are always bald.
50. Victoria smells good and has only a couple of bars.
51. Halifax smells bad and has a couple hundred bars.
52. Drinking is optional, in Victoria.
53. Showers are optional, in Halifax.
54. Do not eat the communal cheese.
55. All doors are button operated for the benefit of people in wheel
chairs.
56. Even the doors that lead to stairwells.
57. Cologne should be applied by dipping your head into a bucket of the
cheapest **** you can find.
58. The sense of smell is a privilege, not a right. It will be revoked
if abused.
59. Everybody requires a nick name. Preference will be given to names
that imply homosexuality. e.g. spanky.
60. Where we will drink next Friday is an acceptable topic for everyday
conversation.
61. Where we will drink next Saturday is an acceptable topic for
everyday conversation.
62. Where we will drink next Sunday is an acceptable topic for everyday
conversation.
63. Where we will drink on lunch break during the week is an acceptable
topic for everyday conversation.
64. It takes several days to paint a 6' square wall.
65. Attendance is required.
66. Work is not.
67. Excelling at a menial task results in doing that same menial task
everyday for 20 years.
68. The first 15 minutes of every conversation should consist of
senseless yelling.
69. 8 sailors in 1 room does not guarantee a well tied knot.
70. Mine-sweepers are ships that are made out of metal and look for
mines.
71. Mines are magnetic.
72. Stopping work at 10AM to eat soup is a god-given right worth
killing for.
73. Conversations regarding the number of beers in a flat or case can
result in fist-fights.
74. It is necessary to posses the appropriate qualifications to be
allowed to do a particular job.
75. It is not necessary to possess skill or competency to be allowed to
do a particular job.
76. One out of every 17 pay stubs will be accidentally sent to Quebec,
with Quebec taxes and deductions taken off. Even if you've never
been to Quebec.
77. After sufficient drinking, even the straightest sailor can be heard
uttering the phrase "Ever been in the shower and noticed the way soap
suds trickle down a man's ass?"
78. A failure to make a good decision with no information will be
punished. Clairvoyance is required.
79. The entire navy is telepathic by nature and communication is not
necessary.
80. There are no mistakes caused by poor communication, only mistakes
caused by insufficient funding.
81. Insult on the west-coast; sucky baby. On the east-coast; sooky
baby. The border for this difference appears to be Quebec.
82. "Sorry dude, I thought it was my locker." is a valid excuse for
getting completely wasted and ****ing in a stranger's closet at 3am.
83. Canada's submarines have spent more time above the ground than
Canada's helicopters.
84. Suggestions for improving the quality of junior-rank barracks
should include: more inspections, more duty personnel, more
responsibilities, and free cake.
85. Everybody has either slept with a French reservist or is a French
reservist.
86. Canadian warships have an expensive, highly complex, and advanced
decoy system to protect themselves against a specific type of acoustic
torpedo.
87. The only country that uses acoustic torpedoes is Chile.
88. I get paid 6000$ per year to do my job.
89. I get paid and additional 36000$ per year to put up with bull****.
90. Every member of the Canadian forces (regardless of age, size,
fitness level, activity level, culture, religion, work schedule, gender
or metabolism) requires the exact same amount of food three times a
day, every day seven days a week.
91. I am the only person responsible for ensuring that my pay is
accurate.
92. I do not have the authority to make or recommend changes to my pay.
93. I do not have the training to notice mistakes with my pay.
94. Franks red hot sauce should be used to improve the taste of the
food onboard ship.
95. Franks red hot sauce should be used to improve the taste of the
coffee onboard ship.
96. Sailing past your home port a hundred times in three days waiting
for your scheduled arrival time is completely rational.
97. 6 picnic tables for 200 sailors is a good idea.
98. Shaking people awake in the morning must involve actual shaking.
99. If you forget to flush the toilet people will assume that water
restrictions are in effect and also stop flushing.
100. It is necessary to properly secure your hat when a Sea King is
landing because a hat that has blow off can take a Sea King down.
101. It is necessary to properly dispose of your cigarette butts when a
Sea King is landing because a cigarette butt can take a Sea King down.
102. It is rude to make jokes about Sea Kings.
103. Sea King pilots have the best Sea King jokes.
104. The phrase "I've got a good master on top of me" is a
compliment to your boss, not a gay S&M reference.
105. Avast means stop.
106. Handsomely means fast.
107. Laughing when somebody yells "heave your line handsomely" is not
appreciated.
108. A rational amount of time to allocate for cleaning 15 feet of
hallway is 1.5 hours.
109. If the ship is really dirty and extra hour will be allocated.
110. One of life's simple under-rated pleasures is taking a crap in
private.
111. A pay raise that occurs in the beginning of April will be
announces the following September, scheduled for December, delayed till
January, processed by March the next year, and paid out the following
April. Probably.
112. The top most part of the ship is the mast, but "top part ship" in
the middle.
113. A heaving line is used for throwing, not heaving.
114. A Sea King is a type of helicopter, not a term of endearment for
an Admiral or other high ranking individual.
115. If ,while you are taking a break from storing provisions onboard
ship, somebody offers you a stolen Pop-Tart do not eat half of the
delicious strawberry goo filled treat and save the rest for later by
putting it in your right front pants pocket.
116. If the keys to your locker, which you keep in your right front
pants pocket, mysteriously become covered with delicious strawberry
goo; clean them before using them to open your locker.
117. If you see somebody in the washplace cleaning delicious strawberry
goo out of a lock, just turn around and walk away.
118. Everybody has the most important trade in the navy.
119. Chronic masturbation does not count as a medical disorder.
120. Carpal tunnel syndrome does.
121. Morbid obesity is a sexually attractive trait in both sexes.
122. It's not harassment if you like it.
123. Private Bloggins really did exist. I know a guy who knows a guy
who knows a guy who went through basic training with him.
124. It is not possible to paint anything the wrong colour grey.
125. It is possible to apply primer by surprise.
126. The question, "I want to be better at killing people, can I get
more weapons training?" will get the answer of, "Absolutely I'm glad
you asked."
127. The question, "I want to be better at killing people can I get
training in explosives?" will get the answer of, "Absolutely I'm glad
you asked."
128. The question, "I want to be able to jump out of an airplane and
kill people, can I get a jump course?" will get the answer of,
"Absolutely I'm glad you asked."
129. The question, "Can I live on my own and feed myself?" will get the
answer of, "You'll need to write a memo formally asking permission and
prove that you're responsible first."
130. Always be weary of sentences that start out with "When I'm
Admiral."
131. If for no reason you start singing the song "I feel pretty" people
will join in.
132. Lesson #131 also applies to "In the navy", "Live a virgin", and
"It's raining men".
133. The most important thing to do during an emergency is to tuck your
pants into you socks.
134. Nobody ever requires officers. We just request them from time to
time.
135. It is necessary to have a rule explicitly stating that paperboys
are not to be allowed unescorted access throughout the ship.
136. I am not allowed to refer to myself as an extraordinary seaman.
137. Daily polishing of all brass and stainless steel is important.
138. Sanitizing the shower stall floor is not.
139. My lack of detailed knowledge and experience on how to do other
peoples jobs clearly demonstrates my severe lack of ability and
dedication.
140. Discipline builds character.
141. Sailors have a lot of character.
142. Most of it bitter and sarcastic.
143. The Minister of National Defense has no idea when the new ships
will be built so for the love of God stop asking.
144. The three most important things to bring with you when sailing
a candy, porn, and money to buy more candy or porn.
145. Many sailors used to be in the army.
146. Apparently the army is not "just like camping."
147. Fridays means clam nectar. Mmmmmmm.
148. It is possible to eat an entire meal including an over done steak
with nothing except a spoon.
149. The solution to all organizational problems is to create more
organization.
150. Pornographic magazines are not authorized onboard HMC ships.
151. Nor can pornographic magazines can be found in lockers, under
mattresses, in the heads (male and female), hidden in drawers, under
equipment, behind wire ways, or taped to the bottom of desks. I swear.
Really.
152. The name given to relief efforts for domestic natural disasters
should always rhyme with a part of the digestive tract. E.g. Op
Sphincter.
153. The correct answer to the question "Why is it that every time I
come out here I see you having a smoke?" is "Same reason that every
time I'm here I see you coming out to have a smoke."
154. Military conditioning will eventually result in being unable to
sleep for more than 3 hours in a row with out suddenly waking up
paranoid that you're late for something.
155. It is not a good idea to tell your PO that you can't wash the
walls because all the rags are dirty.
156. It is not a good idea to tell your PO that you can't wash the
walls because the water is currently unavailable.
157. It is not a good idea to tell your PO that you can't wash the
walls because ships don't have walls, they have bulkheads.
158. It is possible to clean a bulkhead with a dirty, dry rag. Even if
it takes you all day.
159. It is not a good idea to point out the mistakes the bosuns made
while painting.
160. It is possible to clean marine paint out of your jacket, pants,
boots, and hair. Even if it takes you all day.
161. Search and rescue technicians wear bright orange uniforms and tend
to be very physically fit.
162. Do not refer to search and rescue technicians as giant tomatoes.
163. Marbles don't bounce.
164. The flag that is raised when the CO is ashore is called the
third-sub, not the old man alarm.
165. Rumors rip through the navy faster than beans though a burrito
fest.
166. The most effective way to teach anybody about anything is to put
them in a small classroom and make them watch 8 hours of a powerpoint
presentation.
167. Everything is believable on a 6 foot screen.
168. Hiding gay porn in other people's equipment, lockers, spaces,
etc... is a fun way to spend your spare time. Refer to lesson #165.
169. A gaggle**** is a completely disorganized group of people or
event.
170. Hiding is an essential skill.
171. If I buy a large knife at a foreign port I am required to register
it and have it secured in the small arms locker because it is a
dangerous weapon.
172. Upon being posted to a ship I will be issued a 6 inch knife which
I have to carry with me at all times.
173. Never get caught asking the question, "If Boatswains like boats
what do Coxswains like?"
174. Because anachronisms can be confusing, the excessive use of them
should be avoided.
175. In order to facilitate communication Canadianized Aids To Naval
Environmental Communication, or CATNECs, should be used wherever
possible.
176. Always keep your mess clean.
177. Seasick pills taste like strawberries.
178. In every sailor's life some vomit will fall.
179. Getting 98.3% on the operators test does not mean that I could
probably pass the supervisors test.
180. Passing a supervisors test does not qualify me as a supervisor.
181. There is nothing hypocritical with a short, fat, bald man telling
me that I look like a bag of mashed assholes.
182. Equipment never gets turned on. It gets flashed up.
183. Avaster does not mean stop faster.
184. A chemox set is a breathing apparatus used for firefighting.
185. Chemox canisters are considered to be a dangerous product because
they start fires.
186. Chemox sets can be found throughout HMC Ships.
187. Chemox sets can also be found in museums.
188. Never inquire why a room smells like sex. You don't want to
know.
189. When sailing outside of Esquimalt harbour, if the black water
tanks are full, the toilets will be out of bounds because you can't
flush the poo untreated into the Strait of Juan de Fuca.
190. When alongside in Esquimalt harbour the ships black water tanks
are emptied into a municipal sewage system that flushes the poo
untreated into the Strait of Juan de Fuca.
191. The toilets are never out of bounds in Halifax harbour.
192. Never even think about swimming in Halifax harbour.
193. Making your self look good is one of only 3 reasons to have a
conversation with another sailor.
194. Making somebody else look bad is one of only 3 reasons to have a
conversation with another sailor.
195. Making an officer look like an idiot is one of only 3 reasons to
have a conversation with another sailor.
196. Civilians who wear military camouflage or clothing do not look
like bad asses. They do look like morons.
197. It you ever want to irritate a current or former member of the
Canadian Forces all you have to do is wear a beret wrong.
198. All naval bases are surrounded by slums.
199. Lesson #198 has something to do with what would otherwise be prime
waterfront real-estate being zoned as heavy industrial and filled with
large equipment, dangerous materials, and thousands of young people who
for the first time in their lives are earning a decent wage and away
from their moms.
200. Never go to the bar that is closest to a naval base.
201. Never ever go home with a woman who goes to the bar that is
closest to a naval base.
202. When talking with the media avoid making references to the fattest
sailors in NATO.
203. Nothing says lovin like a retarded P.R. stunt.
204. Be wary of a bosun with a latex glove.
205. Workups is a sailing trip where a bunch of guys in red hats come
aboard and conduct continuous exercises so they can point out all the
things that they would do wrong if they were in your shoes.
206. 6 o'clock only occurs once per day.
207. Breakfast occurs 3 times a day.
208. Lunch is a figment of my imagination.
209. All women in the navy are lesbians. This is proven by the
irrefutable evidence that they won't sleep with me.
210. Shoe polish can explode.
211. Icecream is scary.
212. If you can't tie a knot, tie a lot.

"MMC" wrote in news:xX%Mf.21051$_c.15983
@tornado.tampabay.rr.com:

26. A boat can fit on a ship. A ship can not fit on a boat.


Didja EVER see a "Ship fitter" actually fit a ship? Ours should have
been called "Plumbers"....go figure???

I took the liberty, no pun intended, of sending this out to my many
ship/submarine contacts across the planet. By the time you read this, I
suspect many Navy sailors will be thanking you, in thought, as I am, in
realtime. I wouldn't be surprised if it made the secure airwaves to the
new digital radio rooms now being installed.....as a test message, of
course, yeah.

Thanks....great fun.

A chief on one of HMS' new British destroyers invited me to rum rats in
Valetta Harbor, Malta, that would have been in 1966. At that time the US
Navy forced us to buy up the old blues flathats we weren't allowed to
wear, but were required to have in our seabags in case any U-boats
surfaced. I used to swap them for other Navy hats with as many countries
as I could. It started my extensive Navy hat collection, which goes on
to this day. I just acquired the new ballcap from the USS Ohio, the new
SSGN class boomer. My hat is especially nice as it is the "conversion
crew" hat across the back, making it rare years from now.

Too bad about rum rats.....HMS wouldn't be the same, now.

It was summer in Malta...hot as sin. If you stepped inside a British
ship, you were in an air conditioned space. Almost no space, especially
the crew quarters sleeping 180 guys in the Repair sleeping compartment,
had A/C, then. I slept in the air conditioned cal lab in a custom-made
hammock from the greatful guys in the canvas shop who enjoyed my cable TV
signals in their shop.

Ah, to be young and dumb and .... again. It was serious business, but didn't
seem that way at the time.
Know what you mean, never seen an HT work on the hull! Bucket of steam, 20
feet of waterline..... I saw 5 cubic yards of sailboat fuel up for auction
on EBAY, figured it must have been a (Navy) sailor that did that!
Speaking of rats, while we hunted pirates off Thailand, a friend was
"swapped" with a Thai sailor and spent a couple days on one of the coastal
patrol boats working with us. Even after hanging out all over the far east
and Hawaii, he reported back that he'd never seen bigger rats anywhere than
in the berthing compartment and opted to sleep on deck.
We never saw any pirates. These guys were raiding boat people boats, robbing
the refugees of their very meager possessions and usually killing them.
Our plan was for Thai PBRs to flush the pirates out to sea where we would
greet them with the 5 inch.
We knew the pirates were there, probably didn't work out as they tipped off
by the Thais.
Good stuff, thanks Larry. MMC
"Larry" wrote in message
...
"MMC" wrote in news:xX%Mf.21051$_c.15983
@tornado.tampabay.rr.com:

26. A boat can fit on a ship. A ship can not fit on a boat.


Didja EVER see a "Ship fitter" actually fit a ship? Ours should have
been called "Plumbers"....go figure???

I took the liberty, no pun intended, of sending this out to my many
ship/submarine contacts across the planet. By the time you read this, I
suspect many Navy sailors will be thanking you, in thought, as I am, in
realtime. I wouldn't be surprised if it made the secure airwaves to the
new digital radio rooms now being installed.....as a test message, of
course, yeah.

Thanks....great fun.

A chief on one of HMS' new British destroyers invited me to rum rats in
Valetta Harbor, Malta, that would have been in 1966. At that time the US
Navy forced us to buy up the old blues flathats we weren't allowed to
wear, but were required to have in our seabags in case any U-boats
surfaced. I used to swap them for other Navy hats with as many countries
as I could. It started my extensive Navy hat collection, which goes on
to this day. I just acquired the new ballcap from the USS Ohio, the new
SSGN class boomer. My hat is especially nice as it is the "conversion
crew" hat across the back, making it rare years from now.

Too bad about rum rats.....HMS wouldn't be the same, now.

It was summer in Malta...hot as sin. If you stepped inside a British
ship, you were in an air conditioned space. Almost no space, especially
the crew quarters sleeping 180 guys in the Repair sleeping compartment,
had A/C, then. I slept in the air conditioned cal lab in a custom-made
hammock from the greatful guys in the canvas shop who enjoyed my cable TV
signals in their shop.

"MMC" wrote in
:

Know what you mean, never seen an HT work on the hull! Bucket
of
steam, 20 feet of waterline..... I saw 5 cubic yards of
sailboat fuel
up for auction on EBAY, figured it must have been a (Navy)
sailor that
did that!


So, how many hours did you stand on that mail bouy watch the
first time?.....(c; Come on...be honest!

We used to send the new ETs down to Supply for a fallopian tube
for the radar, our "historic" AN/SPS-6. The guys in Supply knew
what he was after and cut him a 3' section of latex surgical
hose, making him sign all the normal Supply forms for the tube.

Some of them got suspicious somewhere between Supply down about 5
decks aft and the ET shop amidships on the main deck. Others
never caught on until the guys in the shop were rolling around
laughing and holding their stomachs...(c; All in good fun, of
course.

The bad thing was, after having been played such an elaborate
trick on, they were always suspicious of any orders given them
they didn't fully understand...(c;...afraid of another
trick....like standing the mail bouy watch on the bow.

Didn't get nailed by that one (did get sent to DC Central for a tube of
relative bearing grease), but first 'shellback initiation' I pulled a
rotation at the bullnose as look out for the IDL! Weather was nice so it was
better duty than monitoring the "flushing circulatory action indicator"!
I was working on a rubber duck one day when our new Chief (at EOD Mobile
Unit 2 boat shop) came walking in with a weight belt loaded with newly cast
dive weights. Very shiny and pretty.
I told him he would need to be careful that someone didn't steal them. He
asked why? Couldn't he see that we'd started casting weights in silver as it
was even less magnetic than lead?
I let him fret for a day or so before fessing up. He got me back by making
me baby sit reservists a couple of weekends later!
MMC
"Larry" wrote in message
...
"MMC" wrote in
:

Know what you mean, never seen an HT work on the hull! Bucket
of
steam, 20 feet of waterline..... I saw 5 cubic yards of
sailboat fuel
up for auction on EBAY, figured it must have been a (Navy)
sailor that
did that!


So, how many hours did you stand on that mail bouy watch the
first time?.....(c; Come on...be honest!

We used to send the new ETs down to Supply for a fallopian tube
for the radar, our "historic" AN/SPS-6. The guys in Supply knew
what he was after and cut him a 3' section of latex surgical
hose, making him sign all the normal Supply forms for the tube.

Some of them got suspicious somewhere between Supply down about 5
decks aft and the ET shop amidships on the main deck. Others
never caught on until the guys in the shop were rolling around
laughing and holding their stomachs...(c; All in good fun, of
course.

The bad thing was, after having been played such an elaborate
trick on, they were always suspicious of any orders given them
they didn't fully understand...(c;...afraid of another
trick....like standing the mail bouy watch on the bow.

MMC wrote:
Didn't get nailed by that one (did get sent to DC Central for a tube of
relative bearing grease), but first 'shellback initiation' I pulled a
rotation at the bullnose as look out for the IDL! Weather was nice so it was
better duty than monitoring the "flushing circulatory action indicator"!

Either of you guys ever encounter a Sea Bat?

DSK

"MMC" wrote in news:rPXOf.35587$_c.24384
@tornado.tampabay.rr.com:

He got me back by making
me baby sit reservists a couple of weekends later!


Midshipmen? We loved midshipmen. If they didn't hate enlisted men before
they came aboard, they sure as hell did when they took that last walk down
the gangway...hee hee.

I can see you've had all the tricks pulled on you. Bored sailors are an
amazing lot...(c;

DSK wrote in news:3SXOf.39316$Ly6.18892
@bignews5.bellsouth.net:

Either of you guys ever encounter a Sea Bat?



Hmm....don't remember that one. Is there a story to go with it?...

I do remember sending one young troublemaker into Radio 2 to empty the drip
pans for the grid leak in the TBK transmitters...(c;

Either of you guys ever encounter a Sea Bat?


Larry wrote:
Hmm....don't remember that one. Is there a story to go with it?...

I do remember sending one young troublemaker into Radio 2 to empty the drip
pans for the grid leak in the TBK transmitters...(c;


I think they taught that one in 'A' school.

One of the most powerful yet scarce creatures in the ocean,
the Sea Bat, has rarely been captured by man and never by
civilians It is a vicious predator and when captured,
must be confined in strong steel container such as a large
Navy-issue bucket. After a short time in captivity, the Sea
Bat becomes lethargic and so usually a chief will have to
poke into the bucket with a broom or a mop to rouse the Sea Bat.

I'm sure you get the picture.

Regards
Doug King, ex-BT1(SW) USN

DSK wrote in news:H32Pf.48$2P2.2
@bignews3.bellsouth.net:

I'm sure you get the picture.


Got it. I think I knew that chief...(c;