Gordon wrote in
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UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head.)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the Area code)

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

7. Subtract 250

8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??

Gordon wrote in
:

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How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Gordon wrote in
:

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is an older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other
is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells
them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He
ate
my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she
throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired chief and
asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
the way."

"Gordon" wrote in message
...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything!"

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "a
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste
funny to you?"

Patient; "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor; "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient; "Is it common?"
Doctor; "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Next?


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

An atheist was walking through the woods

What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
He said to himself

As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him

He turned to look and there was a 7 foot grizzly bear charging at him!

He ran as fast as he could but the bear was gaining on him!

He looked again and the bear almost had him!

He tripped and fell!

He rolled over and saw the bear was right on top of him reaching for
him with his left paw and ready to strike him with his right!

At that instant, the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent.

As a bright light shone on the man, a voice came out of the sky
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together. bowed his
head and spoke;


"Lord bless this food. which I am about to receive from thy bounty,
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

On Thu, 22 Nov 2007 02:51:11 +0000, Larry wrote:



"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
LAWYER!

A fellow was tired of his wife refusing sex until after they went to
Mass, calling it sinful. So he asked his priest,
"Father, is it sinful to have sex before the Mass?"
He replied, "No son, it isn't. But please don't block the aisles."

On Nov 22, 2:04 pm, Vic Smith wrote:
On Thu, 22 Nov 2007 02:51:11 +0000, Larry wrote:

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
LAWYER!

A fellow was tired of his wife refusing sex until after they went to
Mass, calling it sinful. So he asked his priest,
"Father, is it sinful to have sex before the Mass?"
He replied, "No son, it isn't. But please don't block the aisles."

Thank you shipmates . . . one and all . . . some of these I had
already heard . . . but they were (nearly ) all great!!

A well timed laugh.

Take care . . .

John

Guys,

Thanks for the humor. I have to go get a rag and clean the coffee off the
monitor!!!

Tom

"Gordon" wrote in message
...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything!"

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "a
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste
funny to you?"

Patient; "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor; "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient; "Is it common?"
Doctor; "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Next?