I'm the guy who wrote the "Liveaboard Simulator" for people thinking of
moving their families aboard a sailboat to live. Google it and you'll
find it in a lot of places. I never dreamed it would still be there
years later.

In that same "simulator" idea, when someone asks me what I think of these
big PDA phones or WebTV appliances like iPhone or Voyager, I tell them
before they buy they need to try my "WebTV SELLphone Simulator" before
making such a mistake and being stuck with it, besides being laughed at
in public which is embarrassing.

So, Here is:
The Pocket WebTV SELLphone Simulator

Before making a mistake and buying that big-screened WebTV appliance
they've all been hyping on TV, internet and in the Bigboy Toy Stores,
pick out the one you think you want to buy and go to its specification
webpage such as:
iPhone:
http://www.apple.com/iphone/specs.html
Verizon Voyager:
http://www.voyager10000.com/
search Google for "iPhone clones" to find the others...

Now, note the physical dimensions and weight of your choice:
iPhone:
Size and weight
* Height: 4.5 inches (115 mm)
* Width: 2.4 inches (61 mm)
* Depth: 0.46 inch (11.6 mm)
* Weight: 4.8 ounces (135 grams)

Voyager:
Weight - 4.69oz
Dimensions - 4.64 x 2.12 x 0.71"

(You hunt for your particular choices physics.)

Now, find a little clear plastic box as near to those dimensions as you
can. If you beg a little at a jewelry store, they'll probably give you
one just to get rid of you fast, if you promise to never come back in
those clothes.

If you don't have a letter scale, take the box and some coins or washers
to the post office where they have really calibrated small scales right
out where you can use them. Put the box on the scale and keep adding
coins or washers until you come up to the new phone's weight. A little
superglue setting up overnight on the coins EVENLY DISTRIBUTED inside the
plastic box will provide the simulated weight.

Now that we have a faux fone for "testing", and the washers inside aren't
rattling around attracting attention, clean off the "front" of your new
fauxfone 5000 really good because that is going to be part of the
test....keeping the screen clean while using it as a phone up against
your sweaty cheeks. More on that later. We're ready to start the
simulator to see how we like it.

We'll start by carrying around the fauxfone every place you carry around
your current SELLphone, in the pocket you always carry the SELLphone in.
Move the real SELLphone to another pocket during the simulation, so you
can see how the new WebTVfone is going to feel and fit in your favorite
pocket. If you currently wear your tiny SELLphone on a hip carrier on or
in a nice carrying case on your belt, you can put that out of your mind
and leave the SELLphone in its carrier. You won't be carrying an iPhone,
with its large-target, fragile touchscreen, banging into the
desks/copier/file cabinets/steering wheel/door frames/seat belt
buckles/etc. for long before it's destroyed. These gadgets cannot take
that kind of daily punishment. If you doubt this, superglue an old belt
clip onto the back of the simulator box and carry it on your hip, putting
the SELLphone in a pocket all week. See if the "screen" on the plastic
box gets "scratched" or gouged while in simulation. This will also
discourage you when you "feel" this huge box every time you jam it into
your ribs upon entering your car or dropping into your favorite easy
chair. The corners of an iPhone are more rounded than the simulator
box...but not THAT much more.

Simple rules for simulation....

Every time you phone rings, answer it as you always do. Estimate how
long you held it to your ear while being bitched out for your current
infractions by "her" (in attack mode, which differs from simulator mode).
When you hang up the little SELLphone and put it away, fish out the
simulator box and put it to your ear, screen against your cheek, for
approximately the same time as the real phone call. (You may, of course,
delay doing this when the simulation might get you fired or divorced or
sent to the drunk tank, but make the simulated "call" as soon as
practical, once you're not standing in front of your boss' desk or "her"
punishment area. If more calls come in too quick to use the simulator
box, ADD the TOTAL TIME and simulate as soon as you can, even if it
inconveniences you. (Noone can see you holding a stupid plastic box to
your ear in a bathroom stall. You're stuck in there for some time, make
good use of it dropping the stacked up simulator time slots.)

Every time you need to make a call, look closely at the simulator
"screen" you'll be dialing on or at least looking at to see what you're
dialing. At some point, even the most sedate of us is gonna grease up
that "screen" to the point it needs more cleaning. It's inevitable!
Clean it when it needs it, noting how this changes your day. Hold the
box to your face and make the call right after you get off the phone,
just like you did receiving calls.

Again, it's a good idea to be in discrete in simulation and not let
important people see you "testing"....unless, of course, you notice
OTHERS in simulation mode carrying around plastic boxes with washers
glued into them! If you find other simulatees, you both should compare
notes and share simulator stories, including simulator construction plans
which lend themselves to field improvements for more realism.

OK, Day 1 is over and you're home. As you put your SELLphone down on the
computer desk, lay down the simulator next to it with ONE LITTLE
EXCEPTION.... WebTVfones being played with EAT BATTERIES during the day
and MUST be recharged or we're not going to have SELLphone service
tomorrow afternoon. Dig out an old AC power brick you used to charge the
old flip phone with and lay it near an outlet by your desk. (No need to
plug it in as simulators are "self-recharging" and last forever.) Lay
the simulator on top of the phone end of its cable to simulate PLUGGING
THIS BATTERY HOG INTO THE GRID EVERY NIGHT.

Ok, we'll let you run in simulator for a couple of weeks until the next
big price retraction and inevitable rebate scheme on the one you want.
If you still want it and save a hundred bucks because of my simulator
holding you back a couple of weeks, you'll think of me every time you
power up the accessory you bought with the extra hundred bucks to go with
it.

Two Week Review.....

OK, two weeks have passed....

Question: Do you want to carry around the plastic box every place you
need a SELLphone for the next TWO years of your contract?

Question: Do you think the plastic box would last 2 years, looking at
all the gouges and scratches on the plastic box's simulated screen after
only two weeks?

Question: Did you stomp and dump the plastic box in the trash any time
during the last two weeks when it ****ed you off sticking you in the gut
or gouging the end of your nipples?

Question: Did anyone poke fun at you, directly, or seem to point and
laugh in a public place just because you had an iPhone-sized plastic box
to your face walking down the ramp?

These questions should help you make your own decision about the neat new
WebTVfone you had in mind.....no matter who made it.

WAIT! Before rushing out waving that credit card, spend WEEK 3 carrying
around JUST your trusty old flip or candy bar in that favorite pocket.
Make the decision ONE WEEK AFTER passing on this simulator and your
simulator box, if it survives, to the NEXT googly-eyed buyer you know.


Larry
--
NO IMPULSE BUYING YOU'LL REGRET FOR TWO YEARS!

Dude, you're ****ed in the head. Gluing coins into boxes? Step away from
the glue you've obviously been sniffing.

"Larry" wrote in message
...
In that same "simulator" idea, when someone asks me what I think of these
big PDA phones or WebTV appliances like iPhone or Voyager,

"Bill Kearney" wrote in
t:

Dude, you're ****ed in the head. Gluing coins into boxes? Step away
from the glue you've obviously been sniffing.



Guy comes into a bar and sees a very nice, mature lady perched on a
stool. He goes over and starts chatting her up, buying her more to
drink. She says she's 60, but doesn't look it.

As things progress, she suddenly asks him if he's ever been involved in a
"Sportsman's Double" with mother and daughter, much to his amazement. He
says no but is interested.

She says, "This is your lucky night!" and drags him out of the bar to her
home.

Coming in the hall, as she clicks on the light, she hollars upstairs.....



"MOM! ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?"





Larry
--
As the price of Monopoly money rises, at some point it will equal
Federal Reserve Private Bank fake banknotes in value!