Congress Allocates $90 Million To Protect Remaining Eagles
 

Just off the press:

WASHINGTON—Convening an emergency session following the recent passing
of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously
Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of
American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed. “My colleagues and
I recognize just how important the Eagles’ laid-back ’70s sound is to
all Americans, which is why we moved quickly and with bipartisan
cooperation to put together comprehensive legislation that will ensure
Don Henley, Joe Walsh, and Timothy B. Schmit are around to rock us,
our children, and our children’s children for years to come,” said
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) at a press conference
following the passage of the bill, officially titled Preserving The
Eagles For The Benefit And Enhancement Of Future Generations Act Of
2016, and more commonly known as The Long Run Bill. “We as a nation
simply cannot afford to let the authors of such timeless hits as ‘Take
It Easy,’ ‘Desperado,’ ‘One Of These Nights,’ and dozens of other
infectious AOR staples disappear. That is why this legislation sets
aside dozens of acres of safe, protected land on which the Eagles can
live and record in peace, while also establishing a dedicated team of
federal officials to closely monitor the band members for any changes
in health and immediately provide them with care as needed.” Beltway
sources confirmed that a proposed rider to The Long Run Bill
introduced by Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA), which would have added $7
million in similar protections for Kenny Loggins, was voted down by a
chorus of nays.
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From the Onion of course

http://www.theonion.com/article/congress-allocates-90-million-protect-remaining-ea-52210