People often think satire is easy, but it's really not -- as any
long-time reader of Whiskey Bar can tell by the number of attempted gags
that have fallen flat and landed with a dull thud on the bottom of my
home page.

You keep throwing them up and hoping they'll stick, but inside you
accept the fact that most of them won't. As an aspiring comedy writer, I
know that if I can get a good laugh with one in ten jokes, I'm doing
pretty good.

Which is why it really frosts my shorts when a fossilized old bureaucrat
like Donald Rumsfeld pops up in Baghdad and delivers -- seemingly
without effort -- howlers like this one:

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, on a surprise visit to Iraq,
warned the country's new interim leaders on Tuesday against political
purges and cronyism that could spark "lack of confidence or corruption
in government."

Cronyism. Lack of confidence or corruption in goverment. From Donald
Rumsfeld. Secretary of Defense in the Bush administration. Totally
deadpan, too. Not a hint of a smile. And with perfect timing.

The sick freakin' ******* makes political humor look like child's play
(actually it is child's play, but you know what I mean.) With one deft
line, he managed to mock not only himself, but the president and vice
president of the United States, the U.S. Congress, the incoming World
Bank president, the next U.N. ambassador and the entire corporate media
elite.

I bet the foreign audiences are still choking on their popcorn over that
one -- or will be, once they hear the dubbed version.

It was almost as brilliant as Rummy's infamous "signature machine"
pratfall from last winter:

In his statement published Friday, Rumsfeld said he "wrote and
approved the now more than 1,000 letters sent to family members and next
of kin of each of the servicemen and women killed in military action.

"While I have not individually signed each one, in the interest of
ensuring expeditious contact with grieving family members, I have
directed that in the future I sign each letter."

I mean, it was such a flagrant rip off of Catch-22:

Colonel Cathcart . . . smiled amicably."Corporal Whitcomb brought
me this basic form letter that takes care of just about every situation.
Listen: 'Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. and Mrs.: Words cannot express the
deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or
brother was killed, wounded or reported missing in action.' And so on. I
think that opening sentence sums up my sentiments exactly."

But even though the gag was obvious, you still had to laugh -- maybe
because it was so obvious. Of course, that might just be me: Like Rummy,
I've always had a weakness for black comedy.

I could try to riff off the Donald's latest routine -- milking it for a
few more cheap laughs by juxtaposing his one-liner with a few quotes
like this one:

Halliburton was paid in significant part from Iraqi oil proceeds in
the Development Fund for Iraq (DFI), the Administration — acting at
Halliburton’s request — concealed these overcharges from the
international auditors charged by the United Nations with monitoring the
expenditures from the DFI.

Or this one:

Officials -- who spoke on condition of anonymity -- tell UPI the
new post was created specifically for the vice president's daughter,
adding that she will work primarily on economic development in the
Middle East.

Or even this one:

The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission has warned former
Pentagon adviser Richard Perle that it may sue him for his role in the
alleged looting of Hollinger International Inc., the Chicago-based media
company once controlled by Conrad Black.

But that would just be a feeble attempt on my part to hitch a ride on
Rumsfeld's comic coattails. So I won't do it.

I don't know where Rummy learned his stuff -- the old Borsht Belt, the
L.A. club scene, the Letterman show (probably not that last one, he's a
little too nasty for Dave's style of humor, I think.) But I reluctantly
must tip my hat to him. He may be a demented old war criminal, but he's
a funny demented old war criminal. And in my book, that still counts for
something.

I hear The Producers is casting a new Hitler. I know Rummy's a little
old for the part, but . . .

Naaah. Stand-up is clearly Rumsfeld's forte. He'd be wasted in a big
show like that. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's not Equity.

Even the actors' union has some moral standards, you know.

On Wed, 13 Apr 2005 21:43:40 GMT, "Jim," copied and pasted
some more anti-administration bull**** he found somewhere in the internet, which
makes it true:

Jimcomma, have you noticed a distinct lack of interest in the **** you
cut'n'paste lately?

JohnH,
If rec.boats users want to minimize the number of OT posts, everyone will
need to ignore the political trolls.



"John H" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 13 Apr 2005 21:43:40 GMT, "Jim," copied and
pasted
some more anti-administration bull**** he found somewhere in the internet,
which
makes it true:

Jimcomma, have you noticed a distinct lack of interest in the **** you
cut'n'paste lately?