"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San
Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the
decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he
prefers judges." - Jay Leno

"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while
others
see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will
never
have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." - Jon Stewart, on President
Bush's
proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage

"Governor Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage, and then he went
back to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys." -
Craig Kilborn

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House
wall
and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the
White
House unlawfully since... President Bush."
- David Letterman

"The Bush family dog, Spot, had to be put to sleep. Well, he was 15
years old
and President Bush said he had to be put down because of a series of heart
problems over the years. Well, that's got make Dick Cheney kind of
jumpy." -
Jay Leno

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry
and John
Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White
House is
so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of
Osama
Bin Laden to next month." - Jay Leno

"In an effort to brighten the economic outlook, the Bush administration is
thinking of reclassifying fast food jobs as manufacturing jobs. And to
brighten
the crime statistics they're thinking of reclassifying rape by college
athletes
as illegal use of the hands." - Bill Maher

"Our governor here has weighed in on the San Francisco situation. He said he
wants them to stop the gay marriages going on up there, but he said that he
still supports same sex groping. ... Governor Schwarzenegger says this
is not
the proper venue to express gay sexuality, but try the locker room at Gold's
Gym." - Bill Maher

"How many people saw President Bush at the Daytona 500? Did you see
that? Bush
had a flashback when he saw the race cars. He said, 'Gentleman, start your
breathalyzers.'" - Craig Kilborn

"The White House has finally found one guy that kind remembers serving with
President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find
someone who
remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House
spent
more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass
destruction." - Jay
Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush attended the Daytona 500, how many folks
enjoyed watching the Daytona 500? But President Bush left before the
race was
over, you know, like his National Guard duty." - David Letterman

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm
reception'
from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met
anyone who
was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." - Jay Leno