Not meant to start a political flame fest, this is just funny!

Commentary by Lore Sjöberg | Also by this reporter
02:00 AM Feb, 08, 2006

Google is currently resisting efforts by the U.S. government to acquire
its server data. It claims to be doing everything possible to protect
user privacy, including coming up with an adorable logo involving bears
being jailed for contempt of court. However, there's at least a small
chance it'll end up forking over its logs to the government data
miners, and a somewhat better chance the government will figure out how
to correlate the data to individuals.



alt.textIf this happens, I think we can all see the implications: I'll
have a lot of explaining to do. So in the interest of free and open
communication about how I'm completely innocent of pretty much
everything, I present the following search terms I've entered and why
they're not at all as bad as they sound.

yellowcake uranium
This is absolutely not an indication that I've been trying to broker
purchases of uranium between various rogue states. Rather, I was just
trying to look up an old friend from high school, Yellowcake Uranium
Steinberg. Her parents were hippies. Hippie physicists. This
explanation also applies to my other high-school friends, Anthrax
Bacillus Cooper and Weapons-Grade Fissile Material Smith.

hot lemur on tarsier action
Anyone seeing this search might assume that I am sexually attracted to
prosimians. Quite the opposite, actually. I am so disgusted by the
thought of the lithe, sensual forms of primitive primates locked in
erotic embraces that it was affecting my day-to-day life. For instance,
I have been so fearful of coming across pictures of these repulsively
alluring animals in magazines that I have been unable to read Natural
History, National Geographic or Provocative Higher Mammal Quarterly. My
numerous searches for erotic art, suggestive photography and naughty
interactive Flash games featuring lemurs, aye-ayes, pottos, tarsiers,
lorises and the occasional galago (guh-LAY-go) are merely part of my
therapy. I would appreciate some empathy.

best way to murder my neighbor Eric
This was a mistake. I was actually searching for information about two
classic comedies, The Best Way to Murder and My Neighbor Eric, and I
accidentally entered both titles at the same time. I then looked each
up separately and discovered that these movies do not actually exist,
so no harm done.

blow up Berkeley City Hall
Hey, who hasn't wanted to purchase or rent a novelty inflatable
Berkeley City Hall? They turn a regular party into a partyfest. You can
find all sorts of inflatable vinyl public buildings at
InflatableVinylPublicBuildings.com, suitable for weddings, bar
mitzvahs, rebirthings, graduations from those vocational schools you
see advertised on daytime television, pet weddings, ritual de-pantsings
and milk runs. (Promotional fee paid by
InflatableVinylPublicBuildings.com.)

i hate people who volunteer to feed homeless mothers
As you know, Google searches don't incorporate word order to any
important extent. This has made me kind of lazy when I enter in
searches. For example, if I want to search for a cheap Italian
restaurant I might enter in "restaurant Italian cheap," or "Italian
cheap restaurant." In this case, I was actually saying that "i
volunteer to feed homeless people who hate mothers." I really think all
they need to learn to love mothers is a little kindness and
nourishment. I often type my intent to do good works into Google. These
explanations are all plausible.

dawn french nude
I have talked to several lawyers who inform me that depictions of Dawn
French nude, and in fact actual sex acts with Dawn French are currently
legal in all states except Utah and portions of Montana, so you can go
to hell.

Seriously, I want to kill Eric, my neighbor, and I'd like to figure out
the best way to do it. Maybe something involving a wood chipper?

I plead the Fifth.

- - -

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Christian
Fitzgerald Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an
author, columnist and animist.