This was too funny to keep hidden away in a small NG.

-W

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If Boats Could Talk-

I recently needed to build a trolling motor mount into the stern of my
fiberglass boat. Due to the construction, I had to cut a hole through the
fiberglass to attach the mount to the actual transom forward of the
fiberglass trim panel.

Due to my extremely limited experience with fiberglass, and the rather
terrifying notion of cutting a rather large hole through the hull, partially
below the waterline, my imagination began to discuss this proposition with
my boat as if it were a living, sentient being.


(I approach the boat with my cardboard template for the motor mount, and my
Dremel Moto Tool {tm}.)

Boat: What's up?

Me: Not much.

Boat: What's that in your hand?

Me: Hand? (trying to hide the Dremel)

Boat: Yes, "Hand". What part didn't you understand? Let's see it.

Me: (shows empty right hand) Nothing; see?

Boat: Now the other one.

Me: (switches Dremel to the right hand, shows boat the now empty left hand)

Boat: Now both at once.

Me: But you already saw the other one!

Boat: I know you- Let's see it.

(I show the boat the Dremel)

Boat: What's that thing?

Me: Oh, nothing.

Boat: (slightly irritated) That is most certainly not "nothing". Now what
is it?

Me: It's a "Moto Tool".

Boat: I see. And what are "Moto Tools" used for? Hmmm?

Me: Oh, LOTS of things! Trimming, drilling holes, cutting.

Boat: Cutting?

Me: (nodding my head & smiling like an idiot) Cutting!

Boat: (suspiciously) Cutting what?

Me: Lots of things; Wood, Metal, Plastics.

Boat: Plastics. Like Fiberglass perhaps?

Me: Yeah!, Er, I mean, NO! Of course not! What a silly idea!
(looks around uncomfortably)

Boat: I see. So what's on your mind, Sport? (looks at trolling motor
mount over on the workbench).

Me: I'm glad you asked! Remember how I was thinking about adding another
smaller motor to you? You know, for trolling, maybe for getting back to
shore if the main motor wouldn't start?

Boat: (bristles a bit) What's wrong with the motor I have now???

Me: Oh, nothing. It's just that it's so big and powerful that it doesn't
like to run slow, you know?

Boat: (thoughtfully), There is that.

Me: .so I just need to add a good solid mount to your transom to accept
this other motor (indicates the trolling motor on the stand at the back of
the carport).

Boat: (a bit cautiously) .OK.so how's that work?

Me: (a bit nervously) Well, I have to mount this motor mount to your
transom plate.

Boat: But my trim panel covers that.

Me: (a bit irritated) I know that! So we just cut a small hole through
your trim panel and.

Boat: HOLD IT! You want to cut a hole in my hull?

Me: Well.

Boat: And will any part of this be below the waterline?

Me: Well, part of it.

Boat: Are you MAD?

Me: Hey now.

Boat: And just how big is this hole to be?

Me: Compared to what?

Boat: Just answer the question please.

Me: Let's see. (consults the template) 9.75" by 5.5"

Boat: OK, so we're talking the equivalent of an 8 ¼" pipe shoved through
my stern. Submerged that will pass about 13.6 gallons/second.

Me: You have a bilge pump!

Boat. Oh yes. That thing. It's rated at what? 750 gallons per hour?

Me: Something like that.

Boat: So lets see; I'm taking on water at almost 5000 gallons per hour, and
pumping it out again at 750 gallons per hour. Do you by any chance see a
problem here?

Me: Well, of course it sounds bad when you put it that way!

Boat: I see. And just how would you put it?

Me: Well.

Boat: Right. That's what I thought. Get away from me with that thing.
Right now.

Me: But you need a second motor!

Boat: Like I need a hole in my hull? I don't think so!

Me: But I'll seal your hull around the mount; trust me!

Boat: Trust you? The man who grounded me on a gravel bar less than two
minutes after he launched me the first time?

Me: Hey! That was the first time! Give me a break, eh?

Boat: A break. Like that prop on the shelf? The one you tore up in
shallow water not once, but twice?

Me: You have a depth gauge now!

Boat: Right. Reads the depth behind me. Besides, you kept going last time
when it said five FEET under my keel! You know I go aground in less than
two feet of water!

Me: I didn't ground you the second time out-

Boat: No, you only over-propped me and just about detonated a piston, and
let's not forget about all those hard gearshifts! It's a wonder I had any
gear teeth left when you got back!

Me: OK, OK, so I'm still learning!

Boat: And I have to pay the price? No.

Me: Like it or not, you're getting a second motor mounted. Period.

Boat: Get AWAY from me you butcher! Help! HELP!


(After that I disappeared in a cloud of fiberglass particles. The boat
still hasn't forgiven me.)